I Have Heard It All Before

“I have heard it all before.”


“Look, darling. I don’t care why you’re here. All you need to know is that I’m here for you. For whatever you want. But if you want someone to cry to, about being misunderstood by your wife or your girlfriend, I do not want to hear it.”

“But Aldo said—”

“Darling. I don’t care what Aldo or Zeppo or anyone in between said. But I’ll tell you what. You have an hour. If you want to talk, talk. But don’t expect me to listen. As I say, I’ve heard it all before and I’m not going fix to it for you. All I can do is make you forget about all the crap that led you to talk to Aldo or whoever it was to get my number. For an hour. I’m not good at listening, but I am good at making you feel good.”


“Darling. If you want to talk, talk. My meter’s running. I’ll sit here and say ‘too bad’ or ‘I’m so sorry’ for . . . 56 minutes, which is what you have left.”

“Well. I guess it wouldn’t hurt for us to get comfortable. We can talk later.”

“I’m very good at getting comfortable. Both of us.”

“Yeah. We can talk later.”